The Pains of A Bad Roommate OR I Still Don’t Like ALIENS… Sorry

For many people, I think having a roommate is the first time in someone’s adult life they have to be in close proximity to a total stranger for a long period of time.

I know that was true for me. And looking back on it. I got lucky. I had an amazing roommate, for as short lived as that was. I lived with my friends for a time (a future storytime). But, mostly I lived alone. That took alot of shopping around, work, and setup, but its totally worth it.

I wouldn’t do the random roommate thing ever again. Let me center around a roommate I had in college.

Freshman year. Undergrad. When you REALLY don’t know a goddamn thing. But this guy did. He was my 2nd roommate. My first one was kind of a one note. Partied constantly. Hated that I had all my classes first thing in the morning. He eventually found another dorm that had a 1 person room open up and moved in there…he later flunked out.

So I spent the last part of that semester by myself, and it was amazing. But, they let me know I got assigned a new roommate. Someone who transferred into my college mid freshman year.

Its rare that this happens, but the first time I met this guy, I knew it was going to be a problem. He was in an engineering major for undergrad and was DEAD SET on changing the world. Not in that, I am going to be the next Ronco thing, but in the, “I am a misunderstood genius who is smart enough to solve all the worlds problems with my inventions” way.

Within a the first few days he moved in, he came running up to me, “I did, I figured out how to make a free energy machine.” I remember I was reading a book for class and I had to close it. “Oh?” I said. He then ranted “Yep, going to solve all the worlds problems. Imagine a rod on a spindle. With two cylinders on each end. You could put it under a waterfall and it would catch water in one side and pour it out on the way out. Endlessly producing energy.”

“Like a water mill, like has existed since like BC and shit?” I said. He got so fucking mad, “NO NO. ITS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL” and went on about his idea was new. I told him to tell it to his engineering professor next class. He was afraid his professor was going to steal his idea. And I said, “nope. not a chance”

He came back all fucking dejected, “…its a water mill.”

This then happened at least 3-4 other times. He also “invented” the calzone and solar panels.

The only time he ever got REALLY fucking mad at me was over the movie Aliens. You know kids, it is impossible to consume all pop culture. There are whole touchpoints of my generation that I had completely missed out on. The entire Alien franchise was one of them.

As his roommate, he felt obligated to rectify my education in this matter. So, we watched Alien. Which I fucking loved. Still love. Great film. Pitch perfect direction. Loved it.

Then, we get to Aliens. I’m going to be honest. I’m not a fan. I think I went in with bad expectations. Over the years it kept being described as the “action movie” one. And I was expecting a big like war movie thing. Like you know that opening sequence in Lord of the Rings

Imagine that battle but with Xenomorphs

Thats what I was expecting, and I didn’t get it. Also, I have never been keen on James Cameron’s direction. Like I still think The Terminator is his best effort. I get that I am wrong here, and he clearly knows how to make that motherfucking money.

Well, the movie ended. And I told him what I thought….this was the WRONG fucking answer.

He YELLED at me. And not just yelled at me. Tried to explain to me that my opinion is wrong. Now you may be like, “Reverend, don’t you do that?” Yeah I do that, but a) you dont have to come here and read this shit, b) I am not yelling in your fucking face even if i want to, c) I dont rant for HOURS on end.

And I mean hours. The movie ended around 10pm, and he yelled at me till like 4am. No bullshit. At one point, I remember laying on my bed about to fall asleep. He picked up the mattress and shook it just so he could keep arguing at me.

Eventually he went to sleep, but he didnt talk to me for weeks. Which, i mean, good for me.

Non-intentionally, I got him back for ruining a perfectly good evening of my sleep.

See my finals period in my second semester was glorious. Most of the professors were perfectly happy to have their “final” be short and during the end of the normal school period. So, I only had one true final, which was for an easy as fuck class and on the 2nd to last day of the finals period.

So, I spent most of a week and a half fucking around. Didnt wake up till like 10am. Up all night playing video games. Etc. Was awesome.

He did most of his studying outside of the room. So, I didn’t see my roommate for the first part of the finals period. He comes in the room and sees me playing Chrono Trigger on my PC. He flips out “How are you doing this???” He apparently had never heard of emulators.

I burnt him a CD (yep, we talkin early 2000s) with some good shit on it. He sets on playing Super Metroid. I continue my day.

It got to be about midnight…1am. Not a whole lot going on. I’m about to go to bed. He’s still playing. In that moment, I remembered something….”Don’t you have your engineering final tomorrow.” He immediately replies, “yep, going to play for 10 more minutes and get back to studying.”

So, I fall asleep

I wake up around 10am….and he is STILL playing the game. STILL Super Metroid. I go “Don’t you have your final right now.” He screams “OH SHIT” and runs out of the room.

He came back in an hour or two, head hung in shame. Apparently his professor did NOT let him make up the time.

At the end of the year, we decided to part our separate ways. He was moving off campus, and I was moving in with literally anyone else in the dorms. Ended up working out cause my next roommate I had for like a month tops. He moved off campus, and they never replaced my roommate. So I had a room to myself for the rest of that year.

And as far as dude….I saw him around campus once the next year, but never after that. Don’t know if he graduated, and I don’t care.

The moral of the story is: Don’t have a roommate you don’t know. Human beings are trash, and you are likely to end up with some sorry fuck who thinks he is James Cameron’s apostle. You are much better off living without random assholes in your shit everyday.

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