My Brushes With Rush Week

[Editor’s Note: This story came up in two completely different conversations this week, so I felt the need to do the appropriate level of preaching]

I never liked the concept of the Fraternity system. All I knew of it prior to college is what you see in the movies. None of my family members were in what I would consider a “real” frat. Like my dad was in the band fraternity. That don’t count.

I’m talking like the direct pipeline that pumps only the finest douchebags and assholes straight from high school into the frat houses.

Once I got to college, from almost day 1, it just seemed weird to me. Symbology and greek superficiality just an excuse to debauch more than usual. And I went to a college where frats weren’t a huge thing. Like sure, we had them, but if you wanted to skip them, you could still have a good time. To put it directly, they didn’t run the school.

I did see a place once where they did run the school. For reasons I cant remember, I was in a car driving down fraternity row for UGA, and that fucking frat row looked like the movies. Just these ornate roman columns and shit. Well, we happened to be there on a weekend where the sororities were “introducing” themselves to the fraternities. Picture this, a bunch of dudes in tuxedos sitting in rocking chairs out in front of their houses, while the girls in formal ball gowns went house to house like courtseying and having formal greetings.

This was in the strong punk rock days, so I remember leaning out the car pointing and yelling “What the fuck is this white, cotillion, plantation horse shit?”

Our fraternities were not that. That was way too clean. Don’t get me wrong, they tried to BE that, but they could never be that. They didn’t have the money, the power, the support from the school, or the real estate to actually be that kind of landed aristocracy.

The only time I ever really ran into them was Rush week. Cause they consumed the campus with their stupid pranks, hazing and whatever. Luckily, the further along you went in college the less you saw them. By the time I was a junior, I barely knew rush week was going on.

But that is not today’s story. Today’s story happened freshman year.

Rush week was completely unavoidable as a freshman. In my case, I am packed in a 14 story tall coed dorm with one half of the hall guys and the other half girls. So, there is always at least 1 person on each side of the floor rushing some frat/sorority. I saw random people get their invites. I saw a dude come back one night completely covered in marker on his entire body. The word “virgin” stood out to me among the scribble. Oh! And one time I was playing Final Fantasy Tactics, and some guy comes by and says “What is that fucking video game. We had to beat that in 24 hours for our frat.” That’s the kind of nerd shit that typically went down.

But….one night…like a fucking wednesday or some shit…I had my biggest run in with the frat system. I remember I had an 8am class. I went to bed early, as is my want in life. Fucking fire alarm goes off at 1am.

Now in a building this size, full of hungover college kids, it is a mess to empty out the building. I manage to be decently clothed enough to where I just had to grab some flipflops and my phone and I was out the door. Plus I was only on the 4th floor.

Well, like 10 of us make it out of the complex first….

And we are greeted by 3 dudes, totally naked, holding their junk. I went up to one of them and I go, “Frat shit?” He goes, “yeah, Pike.” I nod and step back.

Then the rest of the building piles out. Guffaws all around. But we were out there for like a fucking hour, cause the goddamn fire marshal had to come check the building and shit. And those dudes just stood there in the fucking nude the whole time. Now, how campus police didn’t put a stop to it, or even the city cops. I don’t know.

But about 2:30 we were let back in the building…

You already know where this is going…

4am fucking fire alarm goes off. My roommate goes, “I’m not leaving to see 3 guys’ dicks. Let the building burn down on me.”

Me, not wanting to die in a building fire, do in fact go outside. Sure enough, they still out there. This time we got back in the building in under 30 min. I went ahead and took a shower and got ready for class. Was leaving to get an early breakfast at around 6:30am, and sure enough…..

Fucking fire alarm. Fuckin 3 guys holding their dicks.

I passed them up and went about my day. They were gone after class.

Never saw a mention of this in the school paper. As far as I know, no one got any kind of charges. I guess they couldn’t prove who pulled the fire alarm.

What I actually wonder was…is it all worth it. Was it worth waking everyone up on a wednesday for yucks. Did those three guys get everything they wanted out the frat system?

Who knows? Who cares? But, they get to live with the shame forever.

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