[Editor’s note: We will be back with our regularly scheduled programming soon enough. For now, enjoy this.]
Rocky III is the BEST fuckin Rocky and fuck you if you disagree.
Ok, fine, lets argue. Look Rocky I and Rocky II have like “good cinema” cred or whatever. Like no one expected Sly fucking Stallone to write a script or whatever. And like its a scrappy masterpiece or whatever. Fuck all of that. Once you decide to make a sequel to an independent film that managed to escape. All bets are off.
So, Rocky II comes out and like people love it or whatever. Where do you even go from here. I tell you where. You go insane. Full Cannon Films. You go bat shit insane. You got to go WAYYYY beyond the other two films. Rocky III has more in common with Evil Dead 2 than it does independent cinema.
Don’t believe me? I will give you THREE good reasons why this fucking film is way more awesome than the first two.
1. Had the forthought to go full 80s with a hair metal theme song.
This is how you end a movie
I’m serious. Like sure you had Bill Conti’s fucking score. But fuck that. You need hair metal glory. That’s how you make a 80s masterpiece. And fucking Survivor delivers in spades. Like say what you will, Rocky III delivered the only other song that defines the franchise. Makes you ready to kick ass. Punch your mom in the throat. All that shit
2. Thunderlips, the mountain of molten lust
Right here. Call it off. Rocky III wins. Thunderlips is a better character than Hulk Hogan’s actual character. “Where are all my love slaves out there???“Hulk Hogan is a stupid fucking character that like has Republican morality. Meanwhile, Thunderlips has his priorities straight. Super strength. Super lust. Love it.
This shit is amazing from beginning to end.
3. The greatest villain in the history of boxing movie
A real man
Sly fucking Stallone gave Mr. T a chance. Could you have found a better person for this character? No fucking way. This performance is masterpiece territory. Like the rug that ties the whole film together. Look at this shit.
Amazing. Like how do you beat that. Every other Rocky villian seems second rate compared to clubber lang. Holy shit. Mr. T completely eats every frame of film he is in. Clubber Lang is still the only villian to KO Rocky.
Look, you like what you want, I am just telling you that Rocky III will forever be the greatest film of the franchise. Its the one I go back to the most. Its the most insane. Its a great time everytime I watch it. Love it.
Put some respect on its name.