The Biggest Bitch in the Seven Kingdoms

Throughout my Game of Thrones hater notes, I refer to Euron Greyjoy as the biggest bitch in the seven kingdoms. There is a real good reason for that. And it has nothing to do with who Euron is supposed to be, and everything to do with who Euron is on the show. First, lets cover who he is in the books. 

Some weeaboo on Deviant Art’s rendering of Euron. This is mostly book accurate.

In the GRRM novels, Euron Greyjoy is a much more mysterious and interesting figure. He only really shows up in slight mentions in the first three books, as Quellon Greyjoy’s son who has been banished from the Iron Islands for fucking his brother’s whore [Editor’s note: salt wife. Who cares?]

During that time, he bombs around everywhere thats not westeros doing raping and killing. He manages through cunning and sea mastery to capture some dark warlocks who have the horn of fire (hellhorn) which is said to control dragons, at the cost of killing the user. Upon his brother’s death, he returns back to the islands, warlocks and horn in tow, to claim the throne. He is succesful for reasons that are obscure. Some sort of dark magic? It is unclear. But, he insists he can control Dany’s dragons and will use them to concur Westeros. 

GRRM does an amazing job building up Euron into this Blackbeard-type figure. Spoken about in whispers. There are visions about him surrounded in blood and covered in valyarian steel armor. He is feared primarily because of his ruthlessness and his dark legend. 

Its a really interesting character that acts as a real threat to the powers of the North. 

Now, on the show. Do we get that badass Euron. Nope, we get this

euron show
A picture of an asshole

This Euron is a straight douchebag. Thats pretty much all he is from day one. Just an asshole. I dont know if its the screen writers or the actors choices. But, nothing mystical. Nothing dark. In fact, I am not convinced this dude can lead a boat of shrimpers let alone the iron fleet. 

Look at this fuck

He’s basically a trailer park douchebag. Thats basically what he is. Some fucking blowhard asshole in a show already packed full of blowhard assholes. Gloats. Talks shit. Just like some character tarantino would kill off in the first act. 

And then at the end, what good is his character? What is his arc? Killed by Jamie Lannister at a secret location that he has plot radar to find. 

It takes the potential of this pirate and make him captain of Old Navy and Drakkar Noir. He looks like a fucking greasy horror show. Like I have seen stuff on trailer park boys handled with more grace

Let me be clear on two points. First, I still love the show. The highs this show hits are just as incredible as the lows. And on the net, I am still glad it exists. 

Second, this blog could have easily been written about Lady Stoneheart, the Horn of Winter, Direwolves, Dorne & the Sand Snakes, The Iron Bank, Azor Ahai, The Three-Eyed CrowCrow, and a host of other topics. But this one really stands out. 

I think Game of Thrones biggest mistake is not knowing what to cut. Truthfully, Euron would have been better served by being completely cut from the show. Instead of Jared Let-himself-go goosestepping around the frame. Well, he’s gone now, so fuck it. 

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