The 80s had good stuff…you don’t.

Here is the smart version of this latest sermon:

And now….the dumb version….

Quit raping the 80s of all meaning and substance. 

Look, I understand the 30 year cycle. I understand the nostolgia wave, but I have different complaints than my intelligent cohorts here. The following is a list of reasons why people need to stop doing 80s remakes/throwbacks/inspiration pieces. 

 1. You dont have any good ideas

None. I dont mean you dont have ideas, they just aren’t very great. Like, oh lets remake Red Dawn because the original didnt have CG and looked cheap. Then lets do that with Transformers, Ninja Turtles, and Ghostbusters. At this point, I’m just waiting for the Bravestarr and Captain Power remakes. 

Like dont get me wrong, a remake is fine if the original had good ideas but just missed on something (bad script, bad acting, poorly shot, etc). But, the current wave of remakes arent taking that approach. Neither do they have prespective. No ability to say, hey, if we are going to remake some shit, what can we make better. 

Nope, lets do the same fucking shit they did 30 years ago, but lets just make more toys this time around. 

Even attempts to do their own thing, like Stranger Things, just take what they need from Fire in the Sky and Monster Squad and smoosh that together. Like what are they adding to the 80s? Oh space alien psychic powers alternate reality shit. So like Flight of the Navigator and The Tomorrow People? Like, it is totally possible to do a good 80s throwback. Just have something fresh……

While we are on Stranger Things….

2. You can’t write good dialogue

Why does everyone thing they have to be Quentin all the time. You know what made 80s movies great, minimal fucking dialogue.  Look at this

You know why that movie is good, its awesome scene after awesome scene. If characters talk, they are done in under 3 min. There are no walk and talks like they are in a fuckin Aaron Sorkin movie. 

Don’t get me wrong. People have a chance to write good dialogue. But they people who write good dialogue aren’t working on the fucking Pet Sematary remake. 

80s movies, especially the aspects that are under the lens now, were great because they relied on creativity. On doing something smart. Which leads me to my third point….

3. They knew how to edit. You dont. 

You got to cut shit out. You dont need to close out everysingle thing. Look at this ending right here:

Now that is FUCKING awesome. You dont need 5030498028530 dialogue scenes to establish the motiviations for the character. Especially when those scenes usually consist of disagreements where nothing is solved. Sometimes actions will GIVE you the characters motivation. 

Also sometimes, you dont NEED motivation. Depending on what you are remaking. You dont need to make everything into an exploration of the id of mankind. Thats what True Detective is for. 

Now, all of that being said, its totally possible to make an awesome 80s homage. Heres the best one I have seen to date:

You see this. This is how you do the 80s. Heres this difference between this and everything i listed above. Sure this has inspirations, but it doesnt live only there. This thing attempts to take those things that inspired it to its natural conclusion, and then as a consquence, it makes something new. They swung for the fences and connected. 

This is more representative of the kind of things the 80s were going for than Stranger Things or IT or Ready Player One. If you are going to do an 80s remake or homage, you have to beat that. 

I dont think you can. 

I think you suck. So its time to stop. Go come up with something original. Or don’t. Whatever.

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