Was having an odd conversation with my wife this past week. She was mentioning that she didn’t understand why all these girls thought Ed Sheeran was attractive.
And I said, “Well remember when Pauly Shore was a fucking sex god?” And she said, “From Encino Man? He wasn’t a sex god.”
Apparently, she missed out on Spring Break MTV in the early 90s.
I’ve mentioned before that my childhood was odd. Well, what I hadn’t mentioned yet was how fast I grew up. Like technically I should have been the right age for Pokemon, Digimon, and the like. But I missed all that. Why? By the time I was I think 8, I was already on programming for teenagers. R-rated movies, any album with the parental advisory sticker, and fucking spring break MTV.
See, I was watching Nickelodeon and shit back then too, but when Ren & Stimpy or Pete & Pete weren’t on, my TV was on MTV all the fucking time.
And what did you see heading into the summer on MTV? This:
I have now asked a few people, and this seems to be a gap in memory, so I will elaborate. MTV would host spring break programming at Daytona beach from the late 80s through the 90s. And most of the early 90s, the host was Pauly Shore.
They would have bands and shit play. And it was mostly like frat-type debauchery and occasional oddities. Like example, here is Spinal Tap closing out an episode.
I want to skip over the entire conversation around whether or not putting this debauchery on TV 24/7 was a good idea and whether I should have been watching this that young. Fuck all that. Thats not the point I want to highlight by bringing this up.
My point is simple: MTV presented Pauly Shore as a man you would want to fuck, and people went along with it.
Pauly Fucking Shore. Sex God.
That is a hard fucking thing to comprehend, but it happened. Maybe it disappeared in history cause the flame burned too hot. Like the concept was so stupid and so disposable that it just puffed into ether.
I am not one to be one of those “I bet I can throw this football over that mountain” people. For as much as I enjoy remembering the past (and I do), tomorrow is always what I look forward to.
But in Pauly Shore’s case, I am not at all that he misses the early 90s. Of course this was the best time in his life. MTV let him do anything and he did it. He had the keys to the universe. I mean look at this shit.
The man did an episode with Rodney in which they just threw scantily clad women to whip his ass. How the fuck do you go back to a life where they don’t have your right brand of peanut butter at the store? How do you get in line at the bakery for fresh bread? How the fuck do you age to 30? How do you move on? It’s too much.
He was granted the opportunity to be the physical manifestation of misogynistic frat life, and he did his job with aplomb.
The oddest part to me is that it actually happened. In this universe, Pauly Shore had his time where he could do anything. That is fucking mindbogglingly insane to think about.
And everyone forgot it. He touched the sun, and no one remembers.
Well, Pauly, I didn’t forget. I know you are a giant dick now. Maybe you were then. But this is how I will remember you. A guy who fell into a world of sweaty shame, and just went with it.
But…life…will always move forward. There will always be another ugly ass fuck who will somehow captivate the hearts and minds of the unfortunately dressed. But you Pauly, you will be the one I remember fondly.