Peace talks begin with bringing back Warcraft Movies

At this point, it should be obvious that despite a valiant effort, fucking WoW Classic is the current gaming culture’s obsession. While I am certain that historians will look back on this period with much shame and regret, I do have a way that I think both sides can coexist. 

My request to the WoW Classic Reeees is instead of streaming, please bring back Warcraft Movies-style content. Thats it. You can post it on youtube, but you just have to do that.

Oh you aren’t familiar. Well lets take a trip in the wayback machine

Before Youtube completely changed how we view videos on the internet, finding a video was a pain in the ass. You would have to traverse sites completely filled with shit to find one or two awesome things. Then came warcraftmovies. The #1 place to flex if you played Vanilla WoW. 

See chirren, in those days, you didn’t make money on the internet. You just did it because you loved it. For the love of the game as they say. And if you were a big enough badass, you would get featured, and you were a king. Looked alot like this

Look at that shit. Fucking LOOK at it. Thats what greatness looks like.

These videos were the only way you knew who the actual badasses were at the game. 

So, if you are saying to yourself, Right Reverend, how do we bring this level of stupidity back. Well luckily for you, Warcraft Movies’ user content was nothing if not incredibly consistent. All it takes is a few key things that I will list below, with some examples.

1. You need the fucking shittiest nu-Metal/insertothergenrewithCOREattheendofit you could find – It wasn’t a Warcraft Movies video if there wasn’t a pile of shitty music from the dying era of nu-Metal. Sure you would have your KoRn and Staind, but that wasn’t the real sadness. I’m talking shit like In Flames. If the lyrics were screamed or sung with that kind of emo-balls-in-a-vice-style, then you could use that. Total dogshit.

This is from Beta. Not even actual Vanilla. And already the format was solidified. This example also has two other key characteristics present in ALL Warcraft Movies videos. 

2. You have to have the “” watermark at the top – You weren’t paying for that shit. No one you knew was. So, you were going to let that shit fly bigly. This was cheap, and the fraps watermark was the imprimatur of poverty

3. You have to not edit a goddamn thing about the fight. The full action bars. Chat. Your resolution. Everything had to be visible. The fights were in real time, so some of these videos felt like they had marvel movie running times. 

Lets look at another example. From the legend, and my life role model in the vanilla days. 

See, this is why this guy was the master. Sure the shit was in Korean, but everyone knew those abilities by heart. Plus the shitty music continued long. Drakedog was a hero. 

But eventually, the style did evolve somewhat to include other aspects WoW Classic players should be aware of. 

Perfect. A text book example of the next evolution. Some lessons from this video:

4. Come up with a narrative about your character no one cares about but you – Every video had this. It wasn’t quite RP Bitches, but it was close. Your character meant something on that server. Sometimes you would have drawn images of the character. Sometimes you would hide all the action bars and hit it with the slow music. Sometimes you incorporated memes. Either way, it was the interstitials between fights. The sign of quality was a continuing narrative across videos. Fuckin Stephen King has nothing on the complex narratives of horde warriors in the barrens.

5. Have a credit sequence thats at least 1/4 of the running time of the video – Equally important. This is when you shout out all your boys who no one knows. Everyone you have ever met in the game. Your in game wife. Whatever. Foods you liked. Your local chinese place. This was the spot to have mad shout outs and put your best/shittiest song over it. And everyone would watch all of it. 

Lets do one more

Oh this trip down memory lane was totally worth it. Last two lessons

6. Definitely put commentary on shitty white text above and around the character – If it wasn’t done in two seconds in your editing software, its not worth squinting to try to read it. Also a good time to shout out your boys. Or highlight your guild chat.

7. Where you fight is just as important as the fight itself – Required locations include Molten Span, Crossroads, EPL, Scarlet Monastery, and of course, Southshore. Having a badass fight in one of those locations certified you as a fucking legend. 

Well dumbasses. Get to it. This is your penance for your sins. Get to cranking out shitty movies. Make Warcraft Shitty Again. I expect the nu-Metal powers to flood youtube. Get to it. 

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