Literal Numb Nuts

Yesterday, I got a vasectomy. Leading up to it, I noticed there isn’t a whole lot on the experience. At least not in any language I appreciate. So, I figured I would give my brand of quality preaching on this subject. 

 The initial consult you have to have prior to it was surprisingly smooth. I still look rather young, so I figured they may fight me on trying to get it. Nope. Doctor asked me if I was sure, and I thought ahead if I would ever want kids again. I gave an unequivocal “Nope. I’m done. Forever.” 

And that was it. No other fight. He gave me a script for percocet and an antibotic and told me to come in for the surgery in 3 weeks. 

The only command leading up to it was, “Shave it up….all of it.” 

Pro Tip: If you have to “shave it up” for any reason (medical or raunchy), get a body trimmer. Start the initial pass with that. Then get one of them Venus razors they market to women for shaving their legs. Works on junk as well. 

They told me bring the percocet with me and dont take it till you sign the forms. So I did just that. In about 20 minutes, I learned something. Opiods fucking suck. I have extoled the virtues of liquor here mulitple times. Primarily because it helps you get rid of the unfathomable depression of existence for 5 minutes. Opiods…at least percocet…doesnt do that. The best way I can describe it is skipping to that cloudy part of drunk where you have trouble seeing. This may sound like a good idea but it most definitely isn’t. Because, it doesn’t release any emotions. You are just cloudy and feel less pain while being 100% aware emotionally. 

I know thats an odd experience, but let me put it more directly. It didnt kill my nervousness. I was still nervous, but now I was cloudy, had trouble seeing, was a little spinny, and nervous. Not a good combo. 

So in the room, I am prepped by slathering my junk with like iodine and other shit to prevent me from getting an infection. Then….this is the oddest part to me. My actual dick was weighted with towels above me, and the same with my balls below. Leaving exposed the space between the dick and the balls, where the surgery will take place. 

Now, we have a million words for taint, but there is no word that I am aware of for that area. I will take any submissions at the email address (available in the info section). 

This unnamed area was left to the open air while I waited for the doctor. It is an odd place to be cold at. 

The only actual pain during the thing was the initial injection of the local anesthetic. Now, courtesy of my brother, I have experienced many kicks to the nuts. Of many diffferent strengths and angles. I would describe this as a light kick to the nuts. When I was in 5th grade, a classmate of mine (who was a complete bitch) threw a plastic hockey puck at my crotch during gym. About like that. 

Then afterwards, nothing. I fucking had a conversation with the doctor the whole time. Talking about random bullshit. And it was over in 10 minutes. Felt nothing. 

I have done everything they said. Stay ahead of the pain with the percocet. Ice on the nuts (frozen peas actually). And my day was painfree yesterday. Just stiff. 

Now its the morning of day two. I would describe it as uncomfortable. Not pain. Like on a pain scale it would be zero. But its like stiff down there (natch). Its just boring. I also recommend spending an hour worth of research and finding a decent mobile game or something. Cause being in bed all day sucks. 

 I know you give a shit, so I will give you an update if any changes, but so far, I would recommend this to everyone. Get it done. Before its too late. Now, back to watching movies and shit with ice on the nuts.

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