Having done this, I have come out with some irrefutable facts. The biggest of which is that Taylor does not like criticism. More than just about any other artist. And the fans will attack you if you go after Taylor.
But I feel like that somehow shield’s her music from criticism. And that does it a disservice, because there is a ton of shit not to like here. Most of which I didn’t think about when I went in. So I figured, as a way of memorializing the herculean task of consuming all of Taylor’s recordings, I wanted to give some thoughts.
And, to say, it is ok to be critical of Taylor. She is most definitely not a perfect musician.
1. Listening to a Taylor Swift Record is like Eating at Golden Corral – Hedonistic Vomitorium
This is an easy one, Taylor’s records are fucking too long. Every single fart she takes during these sessions end up on the record.
Records generally force an artist to have to make a statement. You have to pick your songs, what you think are the best, and leave the listener wanting more. Or bringing them a message. Or something, anything. Fucking Rivers Cuomo wrote a shit pile of stuff heading into the Blue Album, but he was smart enough to like actually cut shit out.
Not with Taylor. You are taking the good, taking the bad, you are taking it all. And you have the facts of Taylor.
The result of this process is that every single Taylor record is at minimum 50% shit. Law of averages, it just is. You can’t have fucking 20 tracks on every album and expect them all to be good. This ratio goes up and down depending on the album, but it never goes lower than 20.
Which leads to my next point.
2. Taylor Has Zero Albumcraft
Maybe its generational, maybe not. But she cannot order a fucking album.
In fact, the album order feels like they were purposely arranged to be in the most annoying order possible. Album openers and closers feel fucking random (the above track is an opener).
Apparently, Track 5 on every record has some kind of special meaning. Which, who gives a shit. What a weird fucking thing to center an track order around.
Like at that point, just make them alphabetical, it would be easier to consume.
3. Taylor Has No Riffwork, Or Melody, Or Compositional Skills
This again feels like an easy one, but no one says it.
Her shit is extremely boring. She usually finds some sort of three note melody or chord sequence and then just strums through. Or throws it in a drum machine.
There is no…musicality to it. Look, she gets compared to Dylan alot. You know what Dylan did with his song’s, composed cool shit. You know, like music.
If it feels like I am being tough at this point, you didn’t have to deal with it. You are coming into this post having heard a single here or there maybe. Hell, maybe you dig on 1989. Good for you. What I am telling you is across the 17 hours that I listened to is generic ass rhythm with nothing interesting going on in it.
4. Her Best Songs Are Not About Her
There are not a ton of these (see the end of the last post for my favorite taylor song). But, she has a tough time being introspective. She only did it well once, and that doesn’t seem like will come back around again.
Plus, I feel like you need a degree in Taylorology to “get” all of these songs. I shouldn’t have to fucking know about her relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal to be able to appreciate a song. They should fucking stand on their own weight, and they just can’t.
I feel like her best songs consistently are when she isn’t writing about a relationship she was in, her haters, or things she has done wrong. Taylor will never write a whole album not about herself, but if she could, I think you would end up with her best record to date. And keep it short this time.
5. Her Collaborators Are Her Strength
Who she decides to collaborate with and when directly correlates to how interesting something is. The more its with random pop producers, the more it fucking sucks.
If she can work with people with talent, you may get something halfway interesting. I just wished she liked better music. Maybe we would get something better.
I guess what I am saying is next time she wants to do another Reputation style, fuck the haters binge, call up Cattle Decapitation. They will make sure you have good shit
I guess my overall thought is I don’t connect with the music on an emotional level. She has to bring it to me, and she isn’t going to do that. It is about you coming to Taylor’s World, and fuck you if you can’t.
Well, it took me 17 hours of music, but I can’t. Sorry Taylor. You keep doing you. And I will stay mean, and pathetic, and alone.
But I am not a liar. Your shit is boring. Sorry.