How to ruin Halloween

Generally speaking, I like fall. Just in that it gets to winter sooner, which is my actual favorite time of year. But, I never really have been INTO fall in the same way that I see alot of people get into it. 

And my neighborhood, GETS INTO IT. 

Let’s take a step back….I lived in a NAMED neighborhood. You know what i mean. They are all over suburbs across America. Some genius in housing development came up with the idea that naming neighborhoods is better than just having houses near each other. And its always named after stupid shit. Trees. Leaves. New England Towns. I also have a HOA, so I have to maintain my grass, can’t paint my house a certain color, etc. 

There are ALSO events….randomly throughout the year, funded by the annual HOA fee. To be clear, I pay the fee because there is a communal pool, tennis courts, basketball courts, and playground, which are great for my family. I really don’t give a shit about the events. For the most part, I can also ignore them. Up until recently, I felt free to disconnect myself from the shit I didn’t want to do, and everything was copacetic….except for one thing…..that they have done every year since long before I have moved into the neighborhood. 

It is the practice of “booing” someone. What is this nonsense you ask? I will let the mandatory flyer explain:

Boo to You

Yup. So, the executive members of the HOA start by BOO’ing three homes. And from there, like most cancer and all STDs, it spreads exponentially across the neighborhood. As the poem suggests, you are to give them some free shit along with a copy of this screed of shame and decorate three of your neighbors mailboxes. If you are wondering what the fuck this looks like, it looks like this:

Youve Been Booed Sign Free
You put shit like this on people’s mailbox. I couldn’t find a picture of this in action but you get the idea. Also, whatever, fuck you

I have several problems with this fucking tradition.

First, I don’t know my fucking neighbors. I understand that is part of the point, but let me clarify why it shouldnt be and it doesn’t achieve its goal. I know my direct neighbors, but all of them are either a) on the HOA board, so are pre-BOO’d or b) have known young kids so they get BOO’d first. This leads me to have to BOO fucking randoms like 10 houses from my house who I do not know and dont care to know. Neither do they know me. 

Second, I did the math this year. Between the mailbox decorations, the gift bags/baskets, and the halloween swag, I spent probably $100 of my money on this bullshit. Do you know how many three pieces, dark, spicy, with beans I could get from Popeye’s for that money? How many bottles of wine at TJs? I already have to get halloween candy, which is perfectly fine and makes sense to me, but now I got to get these randoms a bag of free shit.  

Third, the goal is to not be seen. So, you can’t know your neighbors through this cause they will not know its you. AND you are ENCOURAGED to be a fucking creeper. 

This year, we got BOO’d on a fucking monday. Not a thursday or friday where I had the weekend to handle it. On a fucking monday when I was out of town on a business trip. My wife is fucking busy during the week, so I had to go to Target to buy the shit we needed. Of course, I didnt buy the right shit, so I had to deal with that. My wife made the baskets, BUT in order to “surprise” people, I had to deliver it in the middle of the day when no one was around. 

Me, a grown ass man, had to go decorate people’s mailboxes with fucking green biohazard zombie tape (like this) and leave baskets of candy and toys on people’s doorsteps, who I dont know and don’t know me. 

I am shocked no one called the cops on me. Its also fucking awkward. I had to decorate 3 houses, so I cant carry all that shit. I had to make multiple trips to this same spot in the neighborhood to decorate. I dont know who these fucking people are. And they will never know its me. 

This whole thing is dumb. Now everyone has cheap ass green tape on their mailboxes that I hope doesn’t bleed green in the rain, and a bag full of bullshit they will never use. 

I feel like when the environment collapses, this is the kind of shit that will kick us in the ass. 

Look, I am down if you dig Halloweeen. I like it well enough. And trick or treating is fun for the kids. All of that shit is good. Do we need extra shit? I certainly don’t. Bah, humbug. 

P.S. The HOA member who organized this event, cornered me this past weekend on why I didn’t go to the neighborhood chili cook-off (she is new to this events coordinator role). I threw my family under the bus (they were in town, we had plans etc). But if this is a new thing, expect more hater posts on this topic. Again….fuck off….

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