How Marketing Thinks About You

[Editor’s Note: I have heard a ton of how big companies think about people who buy their shit over my career, but this week, something clicked in my head about the way marketing things about you. To make the life easier of the marketer who is trying to build a narrative targeting me, I took the liberty of writing my own buyer narrative. Enjoy shithead.]

The Right Reverend’s diligence on only accepting the necessary cookies on every single website has failed him on a night or two, and as a result, we have a complete portrait of this buyer’s habits and action triggers.

The Right Reverend wakes up every morning with a combination of fatigue from his life and disgust in his fellow man. His social media accounts remain vestigial homes of posts from seven years ago and before. But, he does lurk to find out what family, friend, member of his graduating classes, or former coworker he has to be disappointed in this week.

The Right Reverend does not respond to the typical buyer journeys during the active day. Any and all solicitation sent is immediately forwarded to spam. In fact, The Reverend plays a game at a random point during the day where he will automatically delete any email received, upon receipt, without reading it, presumably as a point of protest to a system that has defeated him.

The Right Reverend does not connect socially at work, and in fact, approaches his employment with a level of dedicated indifference not seen in our modern corporate pseudo-churches. The only thing that allows him to maintain his employment is the sheer volume of product he is able to push out in a given day.

The Right Reverend’s search history reflects the chaos of his homelife and does reveal buying habits that are reflective of home demands. For example, recent searches have included “difference between chicken pox and other rashes,” “summer reading horseshit for kids,” and “dumbass rocket that scouts wants me to buy.”

To target this buyer, we suggest using a scattered solicitation approach after 5pm on weekends. The more necessary solicitation should go later. In a recent A/B field test to attempt to alter his deodorant buying patterns, The Right Reverend clicked on an ad in our solicitation that allowed him to purchase a vintage 1980s Jimmy Buffett and the Coral Reefers’ tour shirt. This test proved such a success, that we will now increase the levels of solicitation on the evening hours every weekend.

Buyer Summary: Asshole. Take his money. Get him when he is fucking drunk, and he will buy anything.

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