Fear and Loathing in Punta Cana

This is a very special set of preaching here, chirren. I am at an undisclosed all-inclusive resort in the Dominican Republic for the next few days. And I have several observations at this time. So lets let it commence. 

 I have a lot to say here, but really at the end of the day, a picture tells a thousand words

The liquor. Its bolted to the god damn wall

This is built into the wall. And this right here is everything. Everyone at this all-inclusive is in a constant state of inebriation. And I dont mean just drunk people on the street. I know New Orleans, Ive seen plenty of drunk people. This is a bit different. 

You know how when your in places like New Orleans or Las Vegas, you see this one person who has clearly partied a bit too hardy. They cant stand up or if they can they shuffle like zombies. Slur their words and thoughts together to where it comes out like a sheperds pie of insanity. 

Yeah, that is over half of the people here. Within my first hour of arrival, I was hit on by a 50+ year old woman from the midwest, who was very invested in how I thought she looked for her age. 

There is a constant stream of ever flowing liquor. People are complete smashed at 8am. And it only goes downhill. How there isnt more sunstroke or other things like that I do not know. Everyone carries a nalgene filled with their room’s hooch on the way to go get more hooch. 

The #1 goal here is to keep you on the property. I am in a resort complex with a few other resorts all controlled by the complex. There are several “restaurants” which have their interior done up really nice, and are themed to a food variety (Japanese, italian, etc). But its all the same chefs operating off of some sort of playbook. The food itself is…..fine. For example, I would describe their italian about equivalent to a macaroni grill. Maybe a mark up at most. 

There are a dozen nightclubs scattered throughout the property. I had the pleasure of being made to go to one of these establishments. The scene inside contained the following

  • One big ass smoke machine filling the club with airified propylene glycol
  • A dance floor
  • Two bars
  • A giant big screen in the middle that, when I went, had the MLB game going
  • Two hookers who clearly go there every night to see what they can reel in

To describe it as not my scene would be charitable. I left when I figured out that this was like a trap house. And their goal was to have their trap full. 

Like I said, the resort tries to keep you here. So there is a constant stream of “activities.” Every day starting at 11am and going till the pool closes, there is like a hype man who is by the pool. His task is to get more people drunk and make them do stupid stuff. For example, there was a contest to see who could hold a gallon jug of water the longest without dropping it. The winner got to chug a beer. Which anyone can do anyway cause everything is pre-paid. 

But the hype man has his own PA system. Which is so fucking loud you can hear it from the other side of the complex. There is seating for about 300+ near the pool and it is mostly full everyday. How anyone can relax while being blasted by a combination of reggaeton and frantic yelling is beyond me. 

When it comes to beach activities, there realy is only one. 70 year old fat men in speedos staring at the asses of the young and foolish. This is pretty much the primary activity. When you walk the beach, you can hear the almost constant murmur of people talking about other people’s looks. Lots of randoms with phones taking pictures, presumably for their spank bank at a later date. 

The resort contracts out with third parties to do off-resort activities like scuba diving, boat rentals, etc. But heres the trick, as part of their deal, they are allowed to solicit on the beach and at the pool at any time all the time. So not 30 min will go by without someone sitting down next to you and offering to sell you on some shit using classic hardsell techniques. For example, someone walked up to me and said, “I have your package ready for the disco. Just need your credit card number.” 

I think more than the drunk old me gawkers and the pool hype man, this pisses me off the most, because I feel like it is philosophically wrong. If you are paying for an all-inclusive resort, one would think your goal is to not get harassed by every asshole on planet earth. You could get that by staying at a normal hotel on the island. 

Overall, to say my experience has been terrible would be an understatment. From my own personal prespective, I have no idea why the fuck anyone does this. I guess its to feel like a kid again. To drink your responsibilites away and just shuffle around in a state of non-anxiety for a minute. 

Coincidentally, this would coinside with the main rule of the Church of the Holy Flava which is do whatever to escape the unfathomable depression of existence for 5 minutes. So saying that, forget everything I just wrote. If this helps you escape, man do it. But this beautiful world here, its a beautiful world for you. Not me. 

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