It was Saturday, and Leeray Jones NEEDED to get completely fucked up. And, everyone knows, the best place to get fucked up in his town is the bowling alley.
As soon as Leeray pulled into the Bowling Alley, he noticed something a little weird. A pickup truck exactly the same as his. And his was special. A black Dually with red shag interior and a chrome bumper. Parked right in the front. Leeray found a spot in the back of the parking lot and went in the alley.
He made the usual rounds, greeting all of the other barflies and miscreants. One of his loudest freinds, Chunk Dupre screamed across the bar area as Leeray was getting his beer.
“AYYYYY LEERAY. YOU SEE MY NEW DUALLY?” Chunk was very drunk. “I TOLD DEM. GIVE ME DA SAME ONE AS LEERAY JONES.” Upon completing this statement, he fell backwards into his chair to the amusement of the bar patrons.
And the night went on…..
Leeray was most of the way to drunktown when Shelly Matherne slinked toward him from the end of the bowling lanes. Shelly was the type of girl that screamed “I need to go get some penicillin before this shit goes down.” Shelly split Leeray’s friends group in two and leaned on the table right next to where Leeray was setting. She snaked her way to his ear. She whispered in that way that you could hear from the other side of the bar, “Leeray honey, you wanna come home with me tonight.”
As she was grinding herself onto Leeray’s arm, Leeray stayed seated and looked her right in the eyeball. A man not to mince words, he grabbed the ashtray they had been using at the table all night and made a simple declaration.
“I would rather lick this ashtray”
Which he did. Looking Shelly right in the eyes.
The laughter in the bar was raucous, and Shelly’s shame was complete. She stormed out the exit.
And the night went on….
More beers and whiskey later, one of the patrons had enough and decided to leave. He took one step out the door of the Alley and came running back to the bar, “LEERAY, THAT BITCH IS FUCKING UP YO TRUCK”
Leeray and his crew ran outside to find Shelly, high heel in hand, breaking the drivers side mirror of the truck parked right out side. It was clear she had been at this for some time. There was key marks up and down the vehicle. The rear window had been smashed. One of the tires was flat.
Leeray surveyed the damage. Shelley yelled at him, “WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS ASSHOLE”
Leeray yelled back, “KEEP GOING BITCH. YOU DIDNT GET THE BRAKE LIGHTS!” Shelly hobbled in one shoe to the back of the truck, using the other shoe to beat on everything along the way till she got to the brake lights, which she smashed.
Leeray yelled, “YEAH, FUCK MY TRUCK UP.” He whispered (an actual whisper) to one of his friends, “Someone go wake up Chunk. Shelley is fucking up his truck.” Leeray resumed yelling, “THE HEADLIGHTS NOW BITCH”
A few minutes later, Chunk Dupre stumbled outside to see his brand new truck completely fucked up by a woman he didnt even jilt in the first place. Chunk, in his state, did the only thing he could think of at the time: yelled “YOU BITCH” and gave her a right cross to the head. Knocking her out cold in the parking lot.
And the night went on….
Leeray spent the next few hours keeping Chunk supplied in booze and plans for how to get his truck fixed, when the two biggest good-ole-boys anyone had ever seen wielding Louisville Sluggers walked in. “NOW WHO WAS THE SHITHEAD DUN PUNCHED MY BEAUTIFUL COUSIN IN DA MOUTH”
The bar turned silent. A few looked toward the culprit. Leeray was trying to find a way out or a way through when the bartender, a man who everyone knew and no one fucked with ran out from the kitchen with a meat tenderizer in either hand. He yelled, “ME, I HIT HER. LETS GO SON”
The fight was sloppy and stupid. Leeray and his crew joined in. Bowling balls went flying. Beer bottles created a Die Hard level of broken glass. But in the end, the Matherne cousins ran off, clearly not adequately prepared for the drunken rage.
The bowling alley is closed now, but the legend of the stupidity lives on. Somewhere, the bartender runs a similar place not to far away. On the wall there, he has a plaque with two meat tenderizing mallets in an X shape and a high heel shoe in the middle.
And no one asks about it