So over the holidays, I played a ton of video games with my son. Mostly the latest in the Pokémon franchise, but that’s not what today’s post is about.
Today, we talking about Splatoon 2.
The game itself I am not a fan of.
Puzzle solving, platforming, with a texture based gimmick. Not my bag. But my son loves it. Hell the only reason we got it is cause he loves the character in Smash.
But the mechanics of the actual game is NOT what today’s post is about. No no, I don’t care enough about that. Today’s post is about the cancer this game is afflicted with. The tendency for every developer now to make every fucking video game a platform.
For the uninitiated, asshole game devs got it in their head that every video game now needs to be a jumping off point for a million other products. Think Fortnite. You got all kinds of bullshit from concerts to MLK exhibits.
Well, CLEARLY the designers intended that with Splatoon 2. Lets keep this short and go through two big fucking things that piss me the fuck off about this game.
You Can’t Just Start The Fucking Game
This is an easy one. You know how when you turn a video game on (especially a console game). Its usually press start and then you are in some kind of menu. Oh no son, when you turn Splatoon 2 on, you get this bullshit.
And you can’t fucking skip this shit. Itll tell you what the multiplayer maps are if you play competitive.
But what if you just want to play the fucking video game. Oh no, you HAVE to watch this shit. No fast forward. You HAVE to go through it.
They want you to play fucking multiplayer. My son is 7. I didn’t him to get into that world yet. Cause he just wants to play a game. He actually showed me this cause even HE didn’t understand how to get to the game.
There Is No Fucking Main Menu
You know what a fucking game menu looks like. It looks like this.
You know what it is. Clean, straightforward. Want to see what awaits you when you get past the fucking intro video:
You automatically go to their multiplayer hub. Would you even know where to go? Like if you just wanted to play single player and said fuck the intro video, would you even know where to go?
Far to the left hand side there is a sewer grate. You can’t even see it in this image. Down in there, that’s single player.
Would you even fucking know?
Is this the game telling you that if you play single player you should be in the shitter?
Why the fuck do they NEED people to play the multiplayer for this fucking thing? Like this is a game made for kids and it has a fucking hub that you have to understand just to be able to do the actual offline version of the game.
And they have a full campaign. With stages and bosses. But you wouldn’t know that just going in.
I’m just saying, give me a god damn menu. Not every fucking thing is a platform. Hey Splatoon Devs, your fucking dog shit game is not going to be the next fucking jumping off point for like an in game McDonalds Happy Meal party or some shit.
When my son asks me to play a game with him, I don’t want to have to sit through 2 min of unskippable cut scenes to hear about what is going on in Ranked play. Its like, could you imagine if every time you logged on to League, someone gave you 2 min on what is going on in the LCS. And then if you wanted to play bots, you had to like click a trash can in the corner, because that’s what the game thinks you are. Trash.
Fuck you Splatoon for being bright and shiny and having my son want to play the game. You are a shit game and a shit way of thinking. Go fuck yourself.