My Brushes With Rush Week (Storytime)

[Editor’s Note: This story came up in two completely different conversations this week, so I felt the need to do the appropriate level of preaching]

I never liked the concept of the Fraternity system. All I knew of it prior to college is what you see in the movies. None of my family members were in what I would consider a “real” frat. Like my dad was in the band fraternity. That don’t count.

I’m talking like the direct pipeline that pumps only the finest douchebags and assholes straight from high school into the frat houses.

Once I got to college, from almost day 1, it just seemed weird to me. Symbology and greek superficiality just an excuse to debauch more than usual. And I went to a college where frats weren’t a huge thing. Like sure, we had them, but if you wanted to skip them, you could still have a good time. To put it directly, they didn’t run the school.

I did see a place once where they did run the school. For reasons I cant remember, I was in a car driving down fraternity row for UGA, and that fucking frat row looked like the movies. Just these ornate roman columns and shit. Well, we happened to be there on a weekend where the sororities were “introducing” themselves to the fraternities. Picture this, a bunch of dudes in tuxedos sitting in rocking chairs out in front of their houses, while the girls in formal ball gowns went house to house like courtseying and having formal greetings.

This was in the strong punk rock days, so I remember leaning out the car pointing and yelling “What the fuck is this white, cotillion, plantation horse shit?”

Our fraternities were not that. That was way too clean. Don’t get me wrong, they tried to BE that, but they could never be that. They didn’t have the money, the power, the support from the school, or the real estate to actually be that kind of landed aristocracy.

The only time I ever really ran into them was Rush week. Cause they consumed the campus with their stupid pranks, hazing and whatever. Luckily, the further along you went in college the less you saw them. By the time I was a junior, I barely knew rush week was going on.

But that is not today’s story. Today’s story happened freshman year.

Rush week was completely unavoidable as a freshman. In my case, I am packed in a 14 story tall coed dorm with one half of the hall guys and the other half girls. So, there is always at least 1 person on each side of the floor rushing some frat/sorority. I saw random people get their invites. I saw a dude come back one night completely covered in marker on his entire body. The word “virgin” stood out to me among the scribble. Oh! And one time I was playing Final Fantasy Tactics, and some guy comes by and says “What is that fucking video game. We had to beat that in 24 hours for our frat.” That’s the kind of nerd shit that typically went down.

But….one night…like a fucking wednesday or some shit…I had my biggest run in with the frat system. I remember I had an 8am class. I went to bed early, as is my want in life. Fucking fire alarm goes off at 1am.

Now in a building this size, full of hungover college kids, it is a mess to empty out the building. I manage to be decently clothed enough to where I just had to grab some flipflops and my phone and I was out the door. Plus I was only on the 4th floor.

Well, like 10 of us make it out of the complex first….

And we are greeted by 3 dudes, totally naked, holding their junk. I went up to one of them and I go, “Frat shit?” He goes, “yeah, Pike.” I nod and step back.

Then the rest of the building piles out. Guffaws all around. But we were out there for like a fucking hour, cause the goddamn fire marshal had to come check the building and shit. And those dudes just stood there in the fucking nude the whole time. Now, how campus police didn’t put a stop to it, or even the city cops. I don’t know.

But about 2:30 we were let back in the building…

You already know where this is going…

4am fucking fire alarm goes off. My roommate goes, “I’m not leaving to see 3 guys’ dicks. Let the building burn down on me.”

Me, not wanting to die in a building fire, do in fact go outside. Sure enough, they still out there. This time we got back in the building in under 30 min. I went ahead and took a shower and got ready for class. Was leaving to get an early breakfast at around 6:30am, and sure enough…..

Fucking fire alarm. Fuckin 3 guys holding their dicks.

I passed them up and went about my day. They were gone after class.

Never saw a mention of this in the school paper. As far as I know, no one got any kind of charges. I guess they couldn’t prove who pulled the fire alarm.

What I actually wonder was…is it all worth it. Was it worth waking everyone up on a wednesday for yucks. Did those three guys get everything they wanted out the frat system?

Who knows? Who cares? But, they get to live with the shame forever.

Thoughts from the AMEN Pew #80

Another week down. Lets get in it.

Look with all the news out there, there is one thing I want to clear up right away…and I am going to make a big shit-talkin prediction… a fucking war is not going to bail us out of our current hatred of each other.

Russia done shit the bed. China got super soaker missiles. But, what I feel like the big one out here.

No conservatives, the next fucking civil war is not going to start in Eagle Pass fucking Texas.

Like, you ever been out there? Here is a list of reasons why the next civil war is not starting there

  • Ass end of nowhere
  • The fucking cartels wont let them fuck up the bag
  • No one taking a bullet for hot wheels, jeff landry, de santis, or any of them asshole governors with manhood problems
  • Not actual military grade problem. Who is going to shoot a bullet to defend razer wire for unarmed men looking to use inflation to their advantage to get a job in the US.

The whole thing is fucking stupid, and they are stupid for actually being this St. Angry. Grow up. You want to deal with an “immigration crisis,” go after the companies hiring anyone who doesn’t have their green card.

What’s that? Its easier to wave your dick out at Eagle Pass. Fine then do it, but dont make my dad think any of this shit is real.

Speaking of conservatives being emasculated, it was totally worth Tucker being a fucking traitor and a dipshit just for him to get big timed by Putin in his own interview.

I fucking love it. Fuck that bitch.

My chinese food just got here. Liquor is happening. I got Kermit playing. Shit is fucking awesome.

God this movie better not suck.

I have been salivating over this shit for a minute now. Mannnnnnn I need this to be good. I fuckin hope it is.

I feel like I need to talk about this because its all the fuckin video game world can talk about.

In a year with a million fuckin great video games, 20 million people have chosen to stick their dick in a blender and play a combination of fucking rust and a shitty pokemon game.

Look, far be it from me to yuck someone else’s yum [Editor’s Note: not true, he does that shit all the time], but this is just sad. Riding through a million bugs and shitty design just so you can have your minecraft and pokemon together in one meal.

Its sad.

This is going to be very boomer of me, but I’m gunna do it.

Grow up.

So, I had an interesting observation this week.

My son accidentally peed on his pants at the urinal. Bad enough that he changed into spare clothes I have had in his backpack all year. I asked him if he got made fun of for it, and he goes, “My friends just told me, ‘That happens.”

Thats it. Dogg, I know people who still get made fun of 40 years later for peeing themselves in the 3rd grade.

The kids are going to be alright.

And I wonder why that is. I am sure it is a multitude of reasons, but I want to isolate one that sticks with me a bit. My son is much younger than I was at his age.

Much. Like by 3rd grade, I had basically seen softcore porn at this point. Sure a ton of that was from friends of mine who had parents that did not monitor their access to HBO and let them just run the fucking house, but I think the bigger thing is the fact that there is far more children’s media. Now they consume shit made for them all the fucking time.

I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but when I was a child, I just watched shit I was way to young for. I have mentioned before that Ghostbusters is the first movie I remember watching, but there is one movie in particular that I want to isolate on the liquor tonight.

Howard the Duck. I watched that unedited definitely before Kindergarten. And that movie has duck tits in it.

Of course that didnt register in my mind at the time. Maybe in the subconscious, but all of that to say, I was SIGNIFICANTLY older at my son’s age now than I was at his age. Thats for sure.

… I will say what I was obsessed with the most was the ending. Shooting the laser to block your way home. I connected with that.

Also that monster design is dope.

Alright, I’m not going to beat that. Hope everyone had a half way decent week out there in TV Land.

Stay safe. Stay stupid. Stay smellin good.


The Truth Is Not Out There

I had an odd experience a few weeks back. My wife was getting a podcast recommendation a few weeks back from a friend we have known for 20 years, who went to the same university as us and has a doctorate. She goes, “This podcast will radicalize you. We need to make you more radical.”

It was a podcast about weight loss fads and diets through time.

I flat out will never understand this. It’s not just podcast recommendations. The need to radicalize…the will to make everyone a fanatic about something is nauseating to me. Its everywhere and its about everything. It’s almost like the need to yell at randoms needs to be innate in your fiber to be at minimum palatable.

I would argue this is politic agnostic now. I would say this even includes like work, clothing, whatever. The need to think what you are doing is going to bring about a fundamental change in the world is an odd thing.

First off, built into the need to radicalize is the idea of a hidden truth. That if you just hear the right set of words strung into sentences that you will completely change who you are as a person. Change is a gradual process if it happens at all, and if it happens to you because of one podcast, youtube video, or (heaven forbid) a book, that is on you.

It’s like there are people everywhere now who feel like you are missing a hidden truth. Like its the last 5 min of a Neil Breen movie.

This is what you sound like.

I hate to break it to everyone out there. Jane’s Addiction was right. Nothing’s Shocking. You not going to find some secret fucking QAnon truth that people be funneling baby squeezins in secret tunnels across the country. And you not going to read some poly sci rant and all of a sudden collapse in a pile on the floor because of the overwhelming burden of capitalism.

Like yeah, political corruption and oppression sucks. That is all true. I am just trying to make it through this fucking life.

Isn’t that radical on its own? I managed to escape a world that fucking hated everything about me, and I have made it 20+ years on my own. Isn’t that radical?

Had a discussion recently with a friend of mine about music that was big for me in college. High on that list was The (International) Noise Conspiracy. A band that I feel like was made for these times.

A band that was all about radical. Talking big spirit of 68 energy. All about how everyone needs to get radical and shit. But there is one problem. They wrote one song on their first fucking album that totally took the wind out of their sails.

And they some how cut 4(!) more albums after this

I remember hearing it for the first time and being blown away. Because someone got it. You see, dear congregation, I grew up in a big time punk rock world. I wanted to be radicalized. I was actively seeking it.

T(I)NC was the first band that made it clear to me what was going on. It was an aesthetic. A look. Everyone is posing in one way or another.

I suppose on the internet they call this LARP’ing, but I think playing pretend is better. Cause its hatin more.

All of this feels like pretending toward a goal. And I am not out here to play pretend for anyone. I am out here to make it to tomorrow on my own power.

I close with this thought. Is being radical a sign or signifier to replace a type of social club? An interaction. Am I to get the back because I understand enough and am still indifferent?

I don’t know the answer to this question. I am just trying to survive and be left alone. I understand that choosing not to decide is making a choice, and the fact that I can make this decision for myself is a point of privilege. I get all that.

I just don’t fucking care. I don’t need to listen to a 1,000 hours of shitty material just to be more grumpy than I am when I get up in the morning…

I have always liked the Hippocratic oath. First do no harm. Thats all I want to do. No harm.

I feel like that in and of itself is radical somehow. I’ll keep doing that. You do you.


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